I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
