Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
