just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
