The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
