My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
