we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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