I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
