my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
