That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
