I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
