just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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