I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
