i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
