You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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