I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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