she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
