So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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Randomize
