Im at strip club and am horny
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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