I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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