My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize