Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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