I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
