Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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