I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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