i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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