i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You ruined the universe
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
