I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
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