update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
