he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
