here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
