You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
