I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
