If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
