the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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