Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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