im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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