Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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