If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
