The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Randomize
