She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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