i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm too high and old for this...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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