what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
