You work out of a Hotel?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
