nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
