my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Walk of Shame today included voting.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
