I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
