Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I checked into jail on foursquare
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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