Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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