She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
