I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
