But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
