he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
