Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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