Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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